Once again I’m shaking my head over how much time has passed since I posted an entry on my blog.  I could come up with a myriad of excuses. I could berate myself for not making the time, but the truth is, LIFE HAPPENS. Things happen that take priority. When that occurs, you set down what’s important to you and do what needs to be done. 

In a nutshell, my time has been consumed with a lot of caregiving.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but suffice to say, it involved both human and canine.  As much as I’d like to say I was able to juggle life well and continue flying forward with my own personal goals that just isn’t true.  I did try to keep moving forward; but, alas, it was at a snail’s pace.

Nonetheless, I believe I have come through the caregiving tunnel. Though I can’t put it down completely, it no longer consumes my day, my sleep or my thoughts.  THANK GOODNESS!

Now that there is a big gaping hole in my mind where caregiving camped out for a good year, I can allow my thoughts to meander at will. These days, they’re filled with:

• first day of school worries
• magical ponchos
• beasts scaring critters
• curious UFOs
• ice skaters on Saturn
• caring oak trees

Hmm, okay, I admit it … my imagination does run along the wacky path.

That’s a good thing though!  Especially if you want to write children’s books.  I’m currently juggling 3 different stories and I have one percolating in my mind that I’ve got to get started on lest the inspiration muses decide I’ve dilly-dallied too long and pass the idea along to someone else.

Though it scares me to do, I believe it is time for me to put some of my work out to the universe.  Among those who choose to read my stories, I’m sure there will be a mix of “lovers”, “haters” and “Meh, it’s okay-ers”. Although I want the “lovers” to far outweigh the others, it is what it is.  I don’t write for the accolades (though mind you I do love them!).  I write because I love to write.  I love when I get an idea and can’t wait to write it down.  I love throwing my stories out to my critique group, having them challenge me and force me to see my story from different angles.  They’ve helped me to grow and improve as a writer.

In the next day or two, I will post an entry on my blog for a writing contest that I am entering.  Throughout the year, Susanna Leonard Hill, a children’s author, runs contests for writers which “provide inspiration and practice, help writers flex their writing muscles and spread their writing wings.” It’s fun, it’s challenging and most of all it’s helpful in honing writing skills.

The contest is to write a Valentine’s Day story in which someone feels curious, which is appropriate for children ages 12 and under and with a maximum of 214 words.  You will finally have an opportunity to get a glimpse of my writing – the good, the bad and the ugly.  I’d love some honest feedback.  Do check my blog again in the next day or 2 to read my contest entry.

The photo on the left was taken in Maui a little over 2 years ago. The photo on the right is what I look like now.

It’s a brand new day, a brand new life and it’s time to catch you up on what’s been happening. It’s been well over 9 months since I wrote my last blog post. I wish I had a fabulous excuse like I decided to drop out of life to live in Tahiti for the last 9 months; but alas, I do not. Life happens and sometimes it’s necessary to prioritize the things that are most important and allow other things to sit quietly in the corner until you are able to pick them up.

The last nine months have been filled with wonderful things as well as not so wonderful things. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions and an abundance of physical and mental exhaustion.

Here’s a quick recap of what’s been going on:

• My baby dog, Bryce, continued to deteriorate health-wise and in January it was time to let him go.
• In November 2015, my husband tried to jump over a 6 foot fence; and, let’s just say, he was unsuccessful.
• In March I started a new diet and workout routine.

I will spare you the gory details and just give you the Reader’s Digest version of my life during the last nine months.

Bryce is now in heaven

In the fall of 2015, Bryce’s appetite had slowly started to degrade. By December, his eating was sporadic. I kept in constant contact with his veterinarian. We tried a variety of things to improve his appetite (including trying to give him filet mignon) but nothing worked really well. Since he ate hardly anything, giving him his medication became even more difficult. I resorted to getting his meds compounded into liquid form when I could and I mixed pill content with chicken broth and put that in a syringe. It got to the point where Bryce would run away from me every time he saw me with a syringe in my hand.

I’d like to dispel any belief that I had been unfair by keeping him alive for as long as I did because I feel that there were some people in my world who thought I had been a little selfish. I am one of those people who will do everything humanly possible to care for someone I love. I never want to have any regrets about that. That included sacrificing my own needs and my own sleep for this dog that I loved so much.

I knew Bryce well enough to know when he was in pain, and when he was not. Would some people have let their pet go sooner than I did? Absolutely, they would. Had Bryce been in pain, I would not have hesitated to let him go. That was not the case. In January, when he had grown weaker because he lacked the nutrients he needed, it was clear that it was time to let him go. I still miss him every day and still talk to him daily. Some might think I’m crazy, but it brings me comfort to do so.

My husband took on a fence and lost

In the midst of all this dog stuff, my husband, Gary, attempted to go over a 6 foot fence to chase down our other dog who had crawled under the fence to go after a cat. The fence buckled when he attempted to hop over it. He landed on his right leg, and put his right arm out to break the fall. He ended up breaking/partially crushing his right tibia just below the knee, dislocating his right shoulder and fracturing one of his ribs on the right side. He was completely out of commission.

So, the months of November – January became extreme care giving months. I had to do everything around the house. We got Gary a hospital bed and a wheelchair. He had had surgery to fix the tibia the day after his fall. Post-surgery, his doctor did not want him to put any weight on his right leg nor did she want him to move or extend his right arm for at least 6 weeks. He could type so he was able to work from home but that was about it. I’m grateful that Gary wasn’t one of those grumpy or needy patients. He felt pretty bad for the burden he put on me because now I had to care for:

• A broken husband
• A senior dog whose health was deteriorating rapidly.
• A young dog who has a lot of energy who wanted to walk all the time.

I was exhausted!

New diet, new workout, new life

Bryce died on January 22nd, and it was around that time that Gary was getting back on his feet again. He was able to put some weight on his right leg and therefore was able to ditch the wheelchair and use a crutch instead.

I think it was a couple of weeks after Bryce was gone that a friend of mine told me about a diet/workout challenge she was going to do. “Lose 20 in 6” is the tag line for the gym/challenge. That’s 20lbs in 6 weeks! It seemed rather extreme. After all, that’s an average of 3.33 lbs per week I would be losing. Gary encouraged me to do it. I think he wanted me to focus on something other than Bryce. So, I went ahead and signed up for the challenge at Achievement Fitness in San Jose.

The challenge started on February 29th and ended on April 9th. I’m not going to get into major details here because I plan to go in depth about it in my next blog post. What I will say is that this challenge changed my life in so many different ways.

The gym provided a meal plan that had to be strictly followed, and 6 days a week I got up early to get to the gym so I could do a bootcamp style workout. For most of my adult life, I have been a gym rat, but I can honestly say that this experience was completely new to me. I worked harder and pushed myself harder than I had ever done before. The results have been amazing.

I didn’t reach the goal of losing 20lbs in 6 weeks, but I did lose 11.6 lbs which, for me, was incredible! After the challenge, I joined the gym and have continued to follow the meal plan (though not as religiously) and work out. Since that time, I’ve continued to lose weight and am now 23 lbs lighter and in the best shape I have been in in my life!

I’m incredibly excited about the progress I’ve achieved and the changes I’ve made and continue to make in my life. For those of you who lack energy, are tired of yo-yo dieting, tired of feeling achy, dislike the way your clothes fit you, I encourage you to check out Achievement Fitness and the “Lose 20 in 6” challenge. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy because it’s not!! But I will tell you, if you put the work in and “Follow the damn instructions” it does work. You will not only lose weight, you’ll also gain confidence, better self-esteem and so much more. You are SO worth it!

Stay tuned for my next blog post where I will go into more detail about the meals and workouts.

Dr. Wayne Dyer: Divine Love Workshop on Maui

A little over a week ago, the world lost a beautiful soul and an amazing human being. Author of numerous self-help books, an international motivational speaker, Dr. Wayne Dyer touched so many lives in his time on this earth.

I am but one of many people around the world who has been moved and motivated by Dr. Dyer’s teachings. Like most people who followed him, I have read his books, watched his PBS specials and listened to his motivational CDs. I’ve also had the great fortune to attend one of his workshops in Maui.

In January 2014, my friend Jill and I attended a Dr. Dyer’s workshop, “Divine Love.” This is one of my most cherished experiences. The goal of the workshop was to help you ease the conflicting thoughts in your mind and wake up to the power of Divine Love. His goal was to teach us how to feel a connection to our highest self. The love, joy and spiritual energy produced during this workshop was almost palpable; and when I was in the middle of it all, I felt anything was possible. I came away from this experience feeling balanced and energized to walk down a different path to see where it may lead.

Changing your perspective

During this workshop, one of the things that Dr. Dyer focused on was changing your perspective.

“When something annoys or frustrates you, change your perspective.”

He told us a story of how construction outside his Maui condo was so loud that it would hinder his peace and quiet while he worked. Initially, he found that aggravating. However, rather than let it continue to frustrate him, he thought about how he could change his perspective. So, rather than think of the construction noise as a source of annoyance, he chose to think of it as a symphony. He viewed the noise as music to serenade him through the day rather than banging and clattering to disrupt his work.

Instead of seeing only the negative aspect of something, he encouraged us to try to find the positive and hold that closer to our heart.

Life after the workshop

Fast forward to a year and a half after this workshop and I no longer feel as balanced nor as energized. Rereading the notes that I had taken during the workshop and remembering how serene and balanced I felt then, I realize that I have lost my bearings. Over the past year and half, I’ve accomplished a lot with regard to my writing; but rather than focusing on the positive, it seems that lately, I allow life events to annoy and frustrate me.

When people ask me what I’m doing, I tell them my day is filled with picking up dog poop, doling out dog meds, and going on dog walks. It feels all-consuming because I hardly get anything else done during the day. This makes me feel guilty, exasperated, and dispirited. It’s not the dogs’ fault … they need my care, want my love and adore my companionship. But rather than look at that in a loving way, I find myself getting increasingly irritated with the dogs and with life in general.

So, how do I change the perspective? Instead of being constantly irritated by the things I have to do for them, I need to be grateful that I get to spend time with 2 creatures that adore me. My babies won’t be here forever, so I need to cherish the time I do have with them. Give them my love and care, but also take what they offer me: love, affection, and a dopey smile every time I do something they love.

Yep, that’s most definitely a better perspective.

My husband and my friends keep telling me I need to cut myself some slack … maybe I should start listening to them. My purpose at this moment of my life is about the care of my dogs. Honestly, if I didn’t have the time or ability to do that, I would feel miserable and guilty and feel like a failure. Somehow, I think the powers that be know that. So they have blessed me with this time to care for my babies in the best way I can.

Continuing to guide us

Although I know Dr. Dyer will be continuing to share his wisdom and love from a different perspective, it is sad to know that there will be no more books, workshops, films, or PBS specials where his positive energy can shine through.

Thank you Dr. Dyer for continuing to guide my way even after you have left your corporal form. You will be greatly missed by all who have been touched by your love and wisdom and by those who have yet to discover your teachings.

Skydiving

All too often, I think people get mired down by the responsibilities of life: kids (or in my case pets), family, finances, career etc …. We end up in a routine that becomes comfortable and familiar. There’s a sense of security that comes with that. However, every once in a while, I think it’s a good thing to step outside of that routine and do something that really shakes things up; something that gets the adrenaline going and makes you feel truly alive.

Above is a picture of me jumping out of an airplane on my 31st birthday. I have the picture framed inside a card I bought at a store called Successories. The card has the following caption:

“We take risks not to escape life … but to prevent life from escaping us.”

For my 30th birthday I had decided to do nothing particularly special to mark the event. I hung out with my BFF and she made me one of her mom’s awesome mocha cakes. Because of that lackluster celebration, the following year I felt I needed to change things up in a big way. So, I jumped out of an airplane at 18,000 feet while harnessed to a tandem instructor. We free fell to an altitude of about 5,000 feet – a trip that takes over a minute. That’s more than a full minute of falling at over 120mph!

That’ll get your heart rate going!

Adrenaline rush

According to Psychology Today, adrenaline created by an abrupt blast of stress sends a flood of oxygen-rich red blood cells through your body, boosts your immune system, and signals your brain to start releasing painkilling dopamine and endorphins.

Another time in my life when I sought that adrenaline rush was on my honeymoon in New Zealand. The Kawarau Bridge in Queenstown was quite close to where we were staying. So Gary and I decided to take the plunge again … only this time literally!

I actually found bungy jumping to be scarier than jumping out of a plane. When you jump from a plane, you’re so high up that when you’re free falling you don’t get a true sense that the ground is getting closer even though it is! With bungy jumping, unless you close your eyes, you see the ground getting closer and closer. I actually hit the end of the bungy about 5 feet from the water but Gary’s head went in the water!

Time for another rush

Honestly, I don’t consider myself an adrenaline junkie, but there is something to be said about doing something that seems wildly crazy. It’s seriously exhilarating once you get over the heart pounding fear! It gives you energy and makes you feel like you can tackle just about anything!

There was one other opportunity in Auckland, New Zealand where we could have jumped off the Sky Tower. On this one, you plummet 630 feet off the Sky Tower at 52 mph and fall towards a big red X on the concrete pavement. Neither one of us had the guts to do this at that time. However, if we ever go back, I just may have to give that one a try.

Question: Since I don’t see myself getting to Auckland, NZ any time soon, does anyone have any other suggestions for getting that adrenaline rush?

Caring for Bryce

I’ve noticed as I’ve grown older, probably more so in the last decade, that I am becoming more and more like my Mom. The things that used to drive me crazy about her have now become my own idiosyncrasies.

• Mom never sat still. There was always something that had to be done or had to be started. It was exhausting to watch her constantly moving and constantly doing.
• Mom was never a procrastinator. She got things done and expected everyone else to tow the line as well.
• Lastly, she made everything and everyone a priority, except herself.

I’m finding right now, that the latter trait pretty much defines my life.

A huge chunk of that is my dog Bryce. He is continuing to struggle with breathing and with overheating and he isn’t sleeping through the night. His needs supersede my own needs basically because he depends on me. His quality of life and comfort are on me.

I could use that as an excuse and say that it’s just temporary, but deep down, I know that’s not true. And, I’m pretty sure if you asked my BFF, Jill, she’d tell you I’ve been that way for most of my adult life.

Reasons why one doesn’t put oneself first

So, why is it that I take the time for everything and everyone else, but I don’t even take the time for myself? My search on Google for “why can’t I make myself a priority” came up with various reasons as to why people do this:

• There is a need to please others.
• It feels selfish.
• It makes you feel guilty.

All of the above reasons could be applied to me at various times in my life, but I think the foremost reason why I don’t place myself first is that I am innately a caregiver archetype.

Caregiver archetype

An archetype is defined in dictionary.com to be:
“(in Jungian psychology) a collectively inherited unconscious idea, pattern of thought, image, etc., universally present in individual psyches.”

I found this great blog entry posted by Jeannie Campbell that describes me to a T. In a nutshell, the blog post says:

Caregiver archetype: “The Good”

• They are supportive, understanding, empathetic, encouraging, and optimistic.
• Caregivers are most fulfilled when they are making a difference in the life of someone else.
• Others always come first, oneself second. Responding to needs is exciting and challenging to them.

Caregiver archetype: “The Bad”

• Resentment can set in when too many demands are made of an overly compromising Caregiver, and eventually, this can lead to self-martyrdom.
• Some Caregivers have a hard time with balancing self-care with care for others.
• This means the Caregiver is often trying to please everyone and be everything to each person, which is exhausting.
• They take a risk in their pursuit to help others, and can end up getting harmed themselves, whether this comes in the form of burnout, being too much of a doormat, or being exploited.

Yep, that is me! Okay, great, now we know why I do not make myself a priority.

Making choices

The big question is how do I circumvent something that is ingrained in every fiber of my being? That may seem like an exaggeration, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. Some may see my care for Bryce as a choice. To me however, there is no choice; putting him first is as natural as breathing. So no, that isn’t going to change. He is in as good a place as he can be because of everything that I do; and yes, that is said with some arrogance. I don’t think that anyone would do as good a job as I do. The problem with that line of thinking (as the “bad” section indicates above) is that I’m approaching the edge of burnout right now. Lack of sleep has made me physically tired; and emotionally, I’m running on empty.

For the sake of my sanity, perhaps, the answer does not lie with circumventing who I am. Perhaps it lies in trusting that there are others who can take care of Bryce as well as I can and who will love and spoil him with the same fervor I do.

Tomorrow, I have a doggy play date for my other dog Charlie. I met a woman at the veterinary office when I took Bryce to get checked out. She does dog walking, dog daycare and dog boarding. She and I seemed to click. So I’m hoping perhaps it will be an option that will provide some respite for this weary caregiver.

Image courtesy of canstockphoto.com/hayatikayhan

For the 2nd time in a row, I am late with getting my blog post out. My excuse is that I’ve been to hell and back trying to buy a car.

Let me explain. I have a 1999 Honda with just over 157,000 miles on it that I had planned on driving to the 200,000 mile point. Since it’s a Honda, I thought my expectations were reasonable. However, 10 days ago, as my husband and I were driving back from dinner, going about 40mph, the engine stopped. The dashboard lights and the phone charger light were lit, but the engine was not running. Fortunately, my husband was driving and was able to move into the left hand turning lane. The car could actually start up, but if Gary didn’t get it into drive and move quickly, it would stall again. After 3 stops/starts and 1 “let the engine cool and jiggle some wires,” Gary got us home. Yes, he totally rocks!

I used Google and found that I am not the only Honda owner to have experienced this problem. Yes, I could try to get it fixed, but the forums that I found with other drivers who have had this problem did not show any promising solutions. Multiple posts from the same people said they have had their car in and out of the shop for months and still have not had it resolved.

Since I am not the type of person who is willing to sacrifice safety on the road, my car has sat in the garage. I have borrowed a car from a friend and for the last 10 days, have driven myself crazy with the research and process associated with buying a car.

Attention to the details

In case you are not aware by now, I am one of those people who needs to know that she is getting the best product for the best price. My definition of what a “best car” would look like is:

• Is safe and reliable
• Has good fuel economy
• Is quiet
• Has good power/acceleration
• Has a smooth ride/Doesn’t feel every bump on the road
• Has navigation, bluetooth, backup camera with sensors, and has a side assist package that lets me know there is someone in my blind spot.
• Has the exterior/interior colors I am looking for
• Has a great price

To compare and contrast all of these factors, I looked at Consumer Reports, Edmunds, TrueCar, and Car and Driver. My first choice for a car was the Mini Cooper 4-door Countryman. Unfortunately, it has a low reliability rating. I’m not going to spend a ton of money buying an unreliable car no matter how cute I think it is!

The chosen car

After looking and/or test driving Hyundai’s, Toyotas, Subarus, Lexus’s, and Audis, the car of choice is the Audi Q5 diesel which has good fuel economy. Whew! Well, now that we’ve decided the car and the options and colors we want, the rest should be smooth sailing, right? No! Trying to find a car with the combination we want has been an arduous task. We finally heard there is a model that meets our criteria in southern California and we are still waiting to hear whether the car is ours or not.

Finding that great price

In order to determine what the best price I could get for a car, I submitted requests through TrueCar, ADP, USAA and Costco. These requests, in turn, sent queries to dealers in our area. In addition, I found out my credit union has a car concierge who will help with your car buying needs. With all these different queries, I actually made myself crazy because of the number of people who were contacting me by phone and email. The bottom line is that Costco has come in with the best price.

How this process has affected me

I’ve had 3 cars in my lifetime. All of which were “utilitarian cars” below $25,000. The last car I bought was 15 years ago, back when cars were not as expensive as they are today. Now, in my 50s, I find that I would like a more luxurious car. My friends would say, “You’ve worked hard all your life, you deserve it.” That is true, Yet, I still have a very difficult time wrapping my head around the cost of the luxury and niceties. I’m typically a “save for a rainy day” person. This process has been a struggle for me.

Why is it that I find it difficult to treat myself to something nice? I’m always looking at “need” vs. “want.” Most of the time, when it’s a “want to have,” I talk myself out of buying it.

In this instance, a new car is a “need AND want.” So, I’m able to justify it. I really shouldn’t have to justify it; both Gary and I deserve to have a nice car. Maybe someday, I’ll figure out how to stop looking at “need” vs. “want.”

Question: Do any of you have this same struggle? You’ve worked hard all your life; Do you find it difficult to treat yourself?

Photo courtesy of canstockphoto.com/tang90246

I’ve spent the last year, researching and learning what it takes to publish a book. After almost a year of doing this, I still feel like there is so much more to learn and that what I know just barely scratches the surface. There are still days when it all seems overwhelming but thankfully, over time, those days are fewer and farther between.

Despite feeling like I’m still a neophyte in all of this, my friend, Adele pointed out, recently, just how far I really have come. She and I attended a Meetup about publishing with an emphasis on what goes into a contract between you and a publisher. During that meeting, I peppered the speaker with questions, and I offered up my experience to others attendees. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but later, on the drive home, Adele commented on just how much I really know and how easily I am now sharing what I’ve learned.

Tables turn

In the last month, I have had several people ask for:

• advice on where to begin if you want to publish a book
• help on critiquing their book
• advice on setting up a blog
• advice on blogging

I offered up what I could to each of them … always with the caveat of “this is what I know so far.” I hardly think of myself as an expert in any of those things; but truth be told, I have learned quite a few things on this journey.

No matter where you are in the process in gaining experience or new skills, there will come a time when the tables will begin to turn and you will be the teacher AND the student. In my mind, there are always new things to learn. So you never stop being a student. But, if you’re open and willing to share what you know, then soon you will become a teacher or adviser as well.

Sharing your wealth of knowledge

I’m not going to get all preachy and tell you that you owe it to yourself and to others to share the knowledge you have within. You can choose to share or not to share. That’s completely up to you.

However, what I will say is this. I’m one of those people who believes in karma. You know, “if you do something good, something good will happen to you, and vice versa.” To me, sharing your knowledge falls under the good deed category. If you can make someone’s life a little easier or better by sharing what you know, then you are doing something good. At some point in time, all that goodness that you have shared will come back to you. And, the extra little bonus is the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you do do something good.

Image courtesy of canstockphoto.com/Bialasiewicz

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday and a few weeks back was the anniversary of when she passed away. So, she’s been on my mind lately. In 2004, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It’s a devastating disease with a horrible prognosis. I flew to Boston immediately so I could go with my mom for her first visit to her oncologist. One of the first questions my mom asked was “how long?” The answer: 5–6 months.

Receiving news like this is heartbreaking and different people handle it in different ways. As the patient, my mom was stalwart and accepting right from the very beginning. Ever the pragmatist, she believed she had lived a long life; and if this was the hand that was dealt to her then so be it. She wasn’t angry. She wasn’t depressed. She just accepted it.

As her daughter, I was devastated. I didn’t want to watch my mom suffer through any of it. But as a caretaker, I never wanted her to know how affected I was by it. I promised myself right from the very beginning that no matter what happened, I would not look back on this time with any regret. I would be there for her, I would stand strong, and I would take care of her the best way I could even if I was falling apart inside.

The first 5 months

I was fortunate enough to have a job that allowed me to be flexible with my time. I had been working part time, 20 hours per week. So, rather than work 40 hours across 2 weeks, I worked a normal 40 hour work week. I would work for 2 weeks and then I flew back to Boston for 2 weeks. I figured I would do this until the end … remember, no regrets!

During this time, mom started chemotherapy and she seemed to be on a slow decline. She wasn’t in any pain but she didn’t have a lot of energy.

Also during this time, I think my mom prepared herself mentally for death which, happily, did not come as the doctors had predicted.

Around the 6 month mark, mom was still alive and relatively well. Yes, she had lost some hair and some weight; but all things considered, she was doing pretty well. I remember her asking me at that time, “What now?” I told her, “Well, I guess you get back to living.”, which is exactly what she did. She continued to go to the gym Monday-Friday. She swam laps and continued to teach her water aerobics class. The ladies in her class rallied around her and, honestly, I think they helped to keep her going.

Being a caregiver

When I was back in Boston, I did the things that my mom did around the house which, basically, was everything! From the moment I was up until the time I went to bed, I was always doing something to help out. My friends started calling me Cinderella.

Some interesting things happened when I took on the caregiver role:

1. My mom and I gained a new found respect for one another

   My mom was never one who allowed herself to be pampered and cared for so it was really hard for her to let go and allow others to help. However, because she had less stamina to do things, she relented enough to allow me to help her. And in doing that, she caught a glimpse of the caring and capable adult I had become and I, in turn, saw her life from her viewpoint. In other words, we got to know each other from a different perspective and we gained new respect for one another. We grew closer during this time and that is something for which I will always be grateful.

2. Different people have different reactions to how they deal with cancer

   I don’t know if this is just me, but I found that I could actually categorize how my friends reacted to the news that my mom had cancer.

   • Some friends went out of their way to be there for me and my mom.
   • Some friends expressed their concern and said “If there is anything I can do …”
   • Some friends fell off the face of the earth and stopped communicating with me.

   There were very, very few that fell into that last category; but I must say, those who did surprised the heck out of me. Most people fell into the 2nd category. Precious few fell into the first.

3. It’s really easy to lose yourself when you become a caregiver.

   During this time period, everything revolved around my mom. All else was secondary … even my own health and well being. I gained weight. I didn’t exercise as much. I did the bare bones minimum I had to do to keep my life in order.

How to help a caregiver

If you know someone who is caring for a sick or dying loved one, here are some tips:

• Don’t be afraid to contact the caregiver. Often times, a caregiver can get so wrapped up in what they are doing, they can lose contact with the outside world. A card, an email or a text to let them know you’re thinking about them can help to lift a caregiver’s spirit.

• Don’t just say “if there’s anything I can do …”, do something. It can be as simple as taking the caregiver out for coffee. If there are kids involved, offer to babysit. Make a meal so they don’t have to. Offer to pick up some groceries. The smallest thing that can lighten the load will be greatly appreciated.

• Allow the caregiver to take the lead on what they want to talk about with regards to the person who is sick or dying. It helped me a lot to talk about it and to cry about it. I tried really hard not to cry in front of my mom, but I still needed to release the tears from time to time, especially in the end.

• Don’t hide what is going on in your life because you don’t want to burden the caregiver with your troubles. I had several friends do this and it bummed me out. I might not have been able to step up and do a lot for them but I still cared and still wanted to be there for them.

• Be gentle and patient with a caregiver. They can be stressed, angry, exhausted, or depressed. If offers of help aren’t accepted, be gently persistent over time. Let them know they don’t have to take everything on all by themselves.

The end of the journey

After the six month mark, I continued to travel back to Boston but not as often. I flew back every 6 weeks and stayed for 1 week and I drove mom crazy by calling her every single day when I wasn’t there. At the very end, I stayed back in Boston for the last month and half of her life.

After her diagnosis, mom lived for just over 2 years. She was the poster child for the chemotherapy drug they gave her. The time we were given was truly a gift. It gave me the opportunity to become friends with my mom and not just be her daughter.

I have absolutely no regrets about how I handled myself as a caregiver. I did the best I could and I gave as much as I was capable of giving. And, most importantly, I am ever so grateful for those precious few who took the time to take care of me (Jill, Kris, Rick, Mary, and Rona … I love you guys!)

Image courtesy of canstockphoto.com/nelosa

A couple of weeks back, I had lunch with my friend, Kathy. We try to catch up every 2–3 months. She has been following my blog. So, she knew I’d been feeling overwhelmed. As always, she was patient, loving and kind as she listened to my woes. She stressed the importance of taking care of myself and being gentle with myself. In other words, cut myself some slack and be okay with not accomplishing everything I want to do. Figure out the priorities and let other stuff go. The question is How do I do that?

Kathy gave me a newspaper article. The article was titled “A balanced life: productive people hit the ‘Sweet Spot’ without being busy.” The article interviewed Christine Carter, the author of the book “The Sweet Spot: How to find your groove at home and at work.”

The book teaches you how to achieve more by doing less! It shows you how to find that balance in your life where everything flows smoothly. Life’s sweet spot is the optimum combination of factors that produces ease and happiness rather than stress and exhaustion. Sounds awesome!

The Sweet Spot Formula

Ms. Carter has a formula for finding your sweet spot:

The Sweet Spot = Take recess + Switch Autopilot On + Unshackle Yourself + Cultivate Relationships + Tolerate Some Discomfort

According to her, in order for people to flourish in their life, the ratio of positive to negative feelings should be 3:1. I’m not even close to that.

I’ve been digesting this book slowly, trying to implement things as I go, so I haven’t made it all the way through the book yet. But, here are some highlights that really resonate with me:

• Sketch out a draft of your routine – By defining a routine and sticking with it, there are less interruptions.
• Form habits to take the effort out of your daily tasks.
• Play offense – what do you need to do to succeed and how are you going to overcome obstacles that derail you?
• Throw ambition out the window – don’t make your goals grandiose. Be okay with doing even a little bit.

Trying to retrofit my old life in with my new life

I realized as I was reading the book that I’ve been trying to fit some of my old habits into my new life, and chastising myself when I couldn’t make it happen.

12 years ago, I was single and didn’t have any dogs. Both my parents were alive and healthy. I was solely responsible for exactly one person … me. That meant that I had ultimate control over what happened or didn’t happen in my world. Back then, I went to the gym every morning Monday – Friday before work. I either lifted weights, did a spin class or swam laps. It was a healthy and happy habit complete with a wonderful crew of gym friends. My life was my own and I could tweak it the way I wanted to do the things I wanted to do.

Fast forward to today and my life has changed quite a bit:

• I married a wonderful guy 5 years ago
• I have 2 dogs
• My mom passed away back in 2007. Now, my dad and my brother are more dependent on me.

These days, I have significantly less control over my life because now there are external factors that I cannot control. Couple that with my natural “take care of everyone and everything” tendencies and you get stress and overload. There always seems to be something that comes up that keeps me from doing the things that I want/need to do.

Planning for the obstacles

When Bryce has a bad night and doesn’t sleep, I let that derail my entire day. The things I plan to do that day (e.g. workout and write) are tossed aside and I’m left feeling frustrated for not having done anything. I have no backup plans for how I would handle a poor night’s sleep. With my plans unraveled, I am forced to ad lib my day.

So, rather than having a single plan: “Get a good night’s sleep, get up, and go to the gym, or ride my bike.”

I need to have multiple plans to accommodate various contingencies:

• Get a good night’s sleep, get up, and go to the gym, or ride my bike.
• Get a decent night’s sleep, get up, and walk the track.
• Get a horrible night’s sleep, do my “this is better than nothing 10 minute workout.”

AND, most importantly, be okay with the fact that I was only able to squeeze in what I could because of obstacles I faced.

Forming habits to take the effort out of our daily tasks

In her book, Ms. Carter writes “Habits take the effort out of our daily tasks: they are the ultimate form of ease. We do what needs to be done without having to will ourselves to do it.”

For example, my nightly routine before I go to bed is to:

• Brush my teeth.
• Floss my teeth.
• Wash my face.
• Rinse my mouth with mouthwash.

There is no brain power used at all. I’m on autopilot when I go through my nightly routine. Now, imagine if we all can turn more of our daily tasks into habits. Imagine how much more at ease we can be!

Conclusion

I plan to continue reading and implementing suggestions from this book in hopes that I will find my life’s sweet spot.

I think this book really lines up well with my personality:

• I love the idea of forming habits to put some of my tasks on autopilot.
• I also love the idea of planning out my routines and adding contingencies for those inevitable obstacles that arise.

Both of those things totally gel with the logical, organized person that I am. After having read just 1/4 of the book, I have found that just small implementations of things she has suggested have put a glimmer of hope in my mind replacing the pessimistic dread I have been feeling for the last few months.

Question: Do you have a 3:1 ratio of positive feelings to negative feelings in your life?

Bryce and his mom

Since the beginning of December, things have been up and down with Bryce. He has his good days and he has his bad days. The good news is we have the arthritis under control. The bad news is the coughing and breathing issue is still a work in progress. The frustrating news is the colitis could be under control with food, but Bryce really hates the food. Trying to cope with all these issues is causing me to lose sleep … literally!

Bryce’s current status

In an effort to give Bryce the best quality of life I can, I’ve been experimenting with various foods and methods of giving him medications.

The raw diet

Soon after writing my last blog post about Bryce, I went to a pet store near my house called Pet People. These guys rock! The staff members I have encountered are incredibly helpful. I told one of the employees, Martin, about Bryce’s colitis, and he told me about raw green tripe. Tripe is the stomach of a ruminant (cud chewing) animal, usually a cow, sheep, or goat. Green refers to it being uncleaned and uncooked. It is the foulest smelling dog food but honestly, I was desperate so I gave it a try. The good news … IT WORKED! The bad news … he gobbled it down for about a week and then decided he really hated it. He won’t go near it and given how foul it smells, there’s no disguising it. We’re currently trying a different raw food called Stella and Chewy’s. So far, he doesn’t hate it nor does he love it. I’m finally being more stubborn than he is and taking the food away if he doesn’t eat it and giving it back later when he is hungrier.

Giving Bryce medication

Bryce has a blend of medications from the vet and herbal medications I got from either the acupuncturist or a holistic pet health care website. The meds take on various forms: pills, powders and drops; and, of course, they each have different dosage schedules. I now have 2 pill containers to track all his pills because it’s too confusing not to organize them.

I used to give him meds just 4 times daily, but once things started to get worse it went up to 6 times daily. A rough schedule of his medication is: 6am, 8am, 11am, 2pm, 5pm and 10pm. It wouldn’t be so bad if he took his medications willingly, but in the last 2–3 weeks, he’s been fighting back; and, of course, you can’t reason with him and tell him he’ll breathe much better if he just took the darn pill.

Bryce’s sleep habits

I can count on one hand the number of times I have had a good night’s sleep during the last 2 1/2 months. Part of Bryce’s breathing issue has to do with the fact that his body does not regulate his body temperature well. So he gravitates to the cold air which actually helps his breathing and cough. Because of this, we have been letting him sleep outside. He has the choice to come in but most of the time he chooses to be outside. With his massive fur coat, he’s not cold at all.

Bryce would average around 4 hours of sleep give or take 1 or 2 hours. When he wakes up, he’s coughing and sometimes he has difficulty breathing. This means I have to get up and give him more medications. This either works and he can go back to sleep, or it works but he starts pacing in and out of the house, or it just doesn’t work. When it doesn’t work, I’ve gotten up (sometimes at 2am or 3am) and taken him for a walk to try to loosen up whatever is in his lungs. Again, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

My physical and emotional well-being

To be perfectly honest, my overall mental health has taken a nose-dive. I do not function well without a good night’s sleep; I never have. Since Bryce’s health issues have escalated, I have been tired and grumpy … a lot! I’m pretty sure if you ask my husband, he’d say “She’s not at all fun to be around.” But, to his credit, he has continued to be patient with me and our dog.

I’ve essentially become a “helicopter parent.” Someone who is overly focused on her child. It doesn’t matter to me that this child is 4-legged, I still have wrapped my life around my baby. This unfortunately, has been to the detriment of my own health and well-being. My weekly workouts are sporadic at best. My diet has gone to hell in a hand basket, and my writing life has become virtually non-existent. My life is no longer balanced; and 90% of the time, I feel like I’m in survival mode.

Trying to get him to eat foods that are good for his stomach, trying to get him to take his meds, and trying to figure out ways to get him to sleep through the night is exhausting. That said, I know that everything I am doing right now is keeping all of Bryce’s issues at bay for the most part; and if I weren’t doing it, his quality of life would be really bad.

One of my life issues is putting everyone and everything before my own needs. It’s something I’ve done my entire life. My BFF has been trying to get me to work on that forever! I don’t even want to think about that right now because my biggest fear isn’t not knowing when it’s time to let go of Bryce but rather having to make the choice between my quality of life and his life. It’s not somewhere I can go right now nor do I ever want to.

As of today, we’re in a good phase. Bryce actually slept inside in our 2nd bedroom with the window wide open and a fan blowing directly on him. He slept for 7 hours the day before and 6 hours last night. This gives me hope that soon I can find some balance and get back to what feels like a more normal life. Wish me luck!